Finding My Voice

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I Dreamed a Dream

O c'mon, I can't be the only one who sings that song when I see anything about dreaming dreams, right?  Anyone else with me?  Alright then, moving on...

I have to say that this time apart from my husband, while extremely hard, has been a wonderfully eye opening experience and I believe with all my heart that God has planned this time of physical separation for a reason. Let me explain...  

I got married at the ripe, young age of twenty-one and went from my parent's house, to a home with my new husband. I never had a chance to be on my own (enter another Le Mis song...) and never really had a chance to figure out who I was, what made me...me and I've been struggling with an identity crisis, so to speak.  Now, don't get me wrong. I know with all my heart that my ultimate identity is in Christ.  I am the daughter of the King of Kings and I have been redeemed, made holy and I am a saint. But there is more.  What are my passions? What are my dreams? What makes me tick? What do I want to be when I grow up?  These are the questions that have turned my life upside down for the past couple of weeks. I'm thirty-two years old and I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up until just about a week ago. I honestly never thought much about it and if I did think about it, I made my passion whatever I felt other people wanted my passion to be. 

In high school, I thought I wanted to be a teacher, because that's what everyone around me was  doing.  My two sisters-in-law were teachers, I was raised around teachers and my friends in school wanted to be teachers and I wanted summers off, so I just assumed that teaching  would be the thing for me! Well, after volunteering in children's church (and HATING it!) and failing miserably at our local junior college, mostly because of a lack of motivation, I decided that teaching wasn't for me. In reality, I was just doing what everyone else was doing.  Not a great idea.  

Now here I am, twelve years later and I think I'm finally able to see the path God has prepared for me. If I wasn't able to be on my own, away from other influences (except for some wise, Godly counsel from my mentors and other Godly advisers) and at a point where it was necessary to rely on God alone, I don't think I would have been a position to hear the Spirit reveal to me what God's plan includes.  This really made Psalm 37:4 real to me.

Once I focused my mind, my heart and my soul on the Lord and what he wants for me. I got it.  I got my passion.  He gave me my dream, and I'm going to use this time of waiting to start following this God-given dream.  I've started prayerfully making goals for the first time in my life and step by messy step, I'm following the path I believe God has prepared for me.  

Yep, at thirty-two years old, I've finally got a dream and I'm following it.  I'm excited and terrified all at the same time because these steps include things I swore I'd never do and things I believed I never could do and I believe that if God has called me to this, He will prepare me for everything, so I will just trust Him as I walk this crazy, messy path. 

To any who may be reading this and are struggling with their own identity crisis, know this first...  If you are in Christ, that is your main identity. Get to know Jesus. Seek Jesus. The more you seek the heart of God, the more God will reveal His heart to you and with that will flow the dreams and desires God has prepared specifically for you. He's promised it.

So, what is this big plan of mine? Well, that's a different blog post for a different day.

It's Been a Year...

No Seriously...

It's been over a year since I last posted on this blog o' mine and boy, have things ever changed... Again!!!

Let's see, in the past year I got a job, moved in with my best friend and said "see ya later" to my husband, who is off creating a new life for us in another city, in another state.  This past year has had so many ups and downs I feel like I've been living at Six Flags. While things are calmed down for now, I'm about to be strapped in for another crazy ride. 

This is why I decided to come back to blogging.  God is moving.  He's moving big time in my life and I need a place to share with others what exactly He's doing. When God moves in my life, things get messy.  He calls me to do hard things.  Things I've never considered and things I swore I'd never do, so I need a place to come back to.  To see where God is working because when the hard times come (and they will come. I know this already!) I need to go back to a place where I saw God's providential hand guiding me along this messy path..

I know I could just keep journals, and I do;  however I also need other people to see what God is doing in the lives of both my husband and me.  Many people are confused as to why we have made the decisions we have and while there are many, many good intentions out there and because people love me, there is a lot of questioning of our life choices right now.  I need them to know that while while I completely understand their confusion and their questioning (believe me, I question things a lot of the time too) my husband and I are doing what we believe with all our hearts God is calling us to do, and I want this blog to be a testimony of God's faithfulness to us as we walk in obedience.

Lastly, I'm also hoping that this blog might encourage other women who who may be in the same shoes I am.  Women who are physically separated from their husbands for a season. Women who struggle with God's call in their lives and are afraid to move forward, or perhaps, I can let other women see that you can keep a sense of humor while your world is turning upside-down. 

All I do know for now is that God is telling me to write my story. And so I am.