O c'mon, I can't be the only one who sings that song when I see anything about dreaming dreams, right? Anyone else with me? Alright then, moving on...
I have to say that this time apart from my husband, while extremely hard, has been a wonderfully eye opening experience and I believe with all my heart that God has planned this time of physical separation for a reason. Let me explain...
I got married at the ripe, young age of twenty-one and went from my parent's house, to a home with my new husband. I never had a chance to be on my own (enter another Le Mis song...) and never really had a chance to figure out who I was, what made me...me and I've been struggling with an identity crisis, so to speak. Now, don't get me wrong. I know with all my heart that my ultimate identity is in Christ. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and I have been redeemed, made holy and I am a saint. But there is more. What are my passions? What are my dreams? What makes me tick? What do I want to be when I grow up? These are the questions that have turned my life upside down for the past couple of weeks. I'm thirty-two years old and I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up until just about a week ago. I honestly never thought much about it and if I did think about it, I made my passion whatever I felt other people wanted my passion to be.
In high school, I thought I wanted to be a teacher, because that's what everyone around me was doing. My two sisters-in-law were teachers, I was raised around teachers and my friends in school wanted to be teachers and I wanted summers off, so I just assumed that teaching would be the thing for me! Well, after volunteering in children's church (and HATING it!) and failing miserably at our local junior college, mostly because of a lack of motivation, I decided that teaching wasn't for me. In reality, I was just doing what everyone else was doing. Not a great idea.
Now here I am, twelve years later and I think I'm finally able to see the path God has prepared for me. If I wasn't able to be on my own, away from other influences (except for some wise, Godly counsel from my mentors and other Godly advisers) and at a point where it was necessary to rely on God alone, I don't think I would have been a position to hear the Spirit reveal to me what God's plan includes. This really made Psalm 37:4 real to me.
Once I focused my mind, my heart and my soul on the Lord and what he wants for me. I got it. I got my passion. He gave me my dream, and I'm going to use this time of waiting to start following this God-given dream. I've started prayerfully making goals for the first time in my life and step by messy step, I'm following the path I believe God has prepared for me.
Yep, at thirty-two years old, I've finally got a dream and I'm following it. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time because these steps include things I swore I'd never do and things I believed I never could do and I believe that if God has called me to this, He will prepare me for everything, so I will just trust Him as I walk this crazy, messy path.
To any who may be reading this and are struggling with their own identity crisis, know this first... If you are in Christ, that is your main identity. Get to know Jesus. Seek Jesus. The more you seek the heart of God, the more God will reveal His heart to you and with that will flow the dreams and desires God has prepared specifically for you. He's promised it.
So, what is this big plan of mine? Well, that's a different blog post for a different day.
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